Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Princess Barefoot and the Black & Decker Pedicure

Don't laugh. Yet. I haven't actually done it. Yet. I do have to wonder, though. Which would be more expensive in the long run-- weekly pedicures, beaucoup $$ spent on foot lotions, or the emergency trip to the hospital when this Black & Decker idea goes awry?
We've already established that I am not a girly-girl. Weekly pedicures are out. It's not merely a matter of the expense, either. First off, I was lost the one and only time I got a pedicure. What do I do now? Where do I sit? How did I know you were supposed to pick your polish color right then? To make matters worse, the technician (what's the right title here? foot rubber extraordinaire? toenail scrubber? beauteous-uppus-footus person?) and I did not speak the same language. That's all well and good, until someone is trying to make you understand what she's going to do with your feet in that vat of roiling water! Seriously, I felt like a dweeb, and I couldn't even ask a question because who knows how to pantomime "sorry my feet are so rough and you have to touch them, and by the way, that slapping and beating on my fat calves is not really something I enjoy" ??
If pedicures, at least regular ones, are not an option, then what about all those special lotions in the foot care aisle at the local Wally-world? Six dollars for a tube of Miraculous Callous Remover, six dollars for a bottle of WowItWorks softening lotion, six dollars for a Callous Removing DooHickey with a handle, another six dollars for an already assembled Callous Removing DooHickey because I couldn't figure out how to attach the handle of the previous one. It all adds up, and I still haven't subtracted rough feet from my life equation.
You might think I'm carrying things a little too far when I contemplate using that Black & Decker sander and polisher on these sad soles, and you might be right. I'm just a tad bit flummoxed by this whole pretty feet dilemma.
Princess Barefoot was my "handle" waaaaaaaaaaaay back in the 1970's when CB's were all the rage. For those of you who've never watched Smokey and the Bandit or listened to C.W. McCall, CB stands for citizen band radio. It was fun, especially the all important decision upon just the right nickname for yourself. My father's handle was Baby Huey. It's been so long ago, I can't remember the handles my mom and brother and sister used. Of course, I remember mine-- Princess Barefoot. Never met a shoe I couldn't like, BUT I also never met a shoe I wanted to wear more than five minutes if I wasn't being stared down by a No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service sign.
Barefoot is the way to go. Pfft. Who cares if some guru somewhere can walk across a bed of hot coals? I can walk across a gravel driveway without flinching. Nay, in my better barefoot days, I could hip, hop, almost run across a short expanse of gravel.
Sadly, I can't do that any more. You see, I've grown up and realized these things. If I must wear shoes, then I'd prefer those shoes to be sandals. If I prefer to wear sandals, then I must be prepared for the inevitability that someone is going to see the bottom of my feet. If someone is going to see the bottom of my feet, then I guess I'd better attempt to keep the callous population under at least minimal control. If I wish to keep the callous population under some semblance of control, then I must not go barefoot. . .ever. A single day of going barefoot foils all the lotion slathering and foot soaking. . .usually within ten minutes. Drat it all.
You need some stock market advice? Let me suggest you look into petroleum. Petroleum, as in Vaseline or any other petroleum jelly, is going to see an upsurge in sales. Uh, huh. I've figured it all out. From now on, I'm going barefoot when my feet touch the ground, but as soon as I sit or sleep, my feet are going to be buried in a tub of Vaseline.
Hey, wish me luck, okay?
Oh, and I wouldn't ask to borrow any of my shoes. You know, just in case I did have to drag my feet out of the tub and put on footware. . .

7 comments:

betsymn said...

LOL, a fellow hippy (better hippy than barefoot and pregnant)!! I can't stand shoes!! As soon as it hits 50° those shoes go into a closet & out come the sandals. Oh, and a wood rasp works a whole lot better than those doohickey callous removers :) And at bedtime, get a pair of old socks, slather the Vaseline onto your heels and wear the old socks. So I've been told. In the summer, when those soles really toughen up and need the Vaseline, it's way too hot for me to wear socks!

angelinabeadalina said...

LOL, Betsy, I can stand the socks and vaseline for a little while if I do it while I'm torching-- kinda hard to untie shoes and go get sandals while holding a glob of glass in the flame, even for me who's been known to take off extra sweatshirt layers in the middle of torching.

Deb said...

Girl - you are nuts! Or not - as the case may be.
I used to go barefoot everywhere as a kid, don't know what happened - think it was something to do with living in a city.

Personally I think there should only be two footwear types - flip flops in summer & boots (of any sort) in winter....which reminds me I was going to blog ages ago about being on the lookout for an orange pair of Havianna's, after spotting some on Amazon (but of course not in any of the catalogues we get here).

I digress - where was I? OK, I actually remember Smokey & the Bandit (I also remember B.J and the Bear..lol!).

If you wear flip flops people expect to see callouses, because they assume that the rest of the time you go around bare foot. Makes sense to me anyway....

Do not scoff at the Mouse Sander - it's not totally silly. Believe me I know. Do you think for one second that I file my nails down manually? ;o)
Uh uh - no way!
Foot soles I haven't tried but a word of advice - I'd probably replace the sandpaper with a 3M scotchbrite scrubby pad....lol!

Supafly said...

Hi, just wanted to let you know about your Angelfeet pedicure and nail files. They are 100% stainless steel and one can last up to 2 years! They can be fully sterilized and have no plastic handles.

Visit our website.
www.angelfeetfile.com

kara said...

I'm a barefoot, birkenstock gal myself - but for rough feets, try this out: http://www.gildentree.com/terra-cotta-2sided-footscrubber-callus-remover-p-38.html use it at the end of your shower/bath with some soap and it will remove all the hard stuff. I have one and I love it!

rosebud101 said...

A dremel might work better!

Capt Elaine Magliacane said...

Ange my feet are so tough, I've been thinking a visit to the farrier might be what I really need....
I think all pedicure techs, don't speak English... but oh how I love a pedicure... just can't seem to find the time...
Have a great weekend...

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